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Stop
Reacting! Learn To Respond
Jane
A. Herman
Do
you ever wish you could stop
"reacting" to people and
situations and start taking control of
how you feel and what you do?
Instead of being driven to
"react" do you wish you could
calmly choose how you want to respond
and then just do it without a lot of
fuss and stress?
Here are some tools for
understanding the critical distinction
between "reacting" and
"responding," and for
discovering why you react, what happens
when you react, and how to stop reacting
and start responding.
The
Distinction Between Reacting and
Responding
It's
natural to "react"
instinctively when you perceive a threat
and have no maneuvering room (e.g.,
time, space) to make a considered
response.
On the other hand, when you have
plenty of time to assess a situation,
make necessary changes or adjustments,
protect yourself, or create something
new then you have the luxury to
"respond." When you respond you
choose how best to apply your mental,
physical, and spiritual resources to
achieve your desired result.
You have more than one option
available to you and the time to choose
between them or even experiment with
more than one.
Here
is a simple analogy to clarify the
concept.
You are driving down the freeway
and notice that your gas tank is
approaching empty.
You do a quick calculation in
your head to determine how many more
miles you can drive before you run out
of gas, then you choose which of several
nearby off ramps would be the most
convenient, pull off the freeway, and
fill up your tank.
There is no stress, no panic, no
feeling of being out of control. You are
simply responding to the situation.
You make the choices and you
remain in control.
Now let's take a look at another
way the scenario could unfold.
You are driving down the freeway,
distracted by the songs on the car radio
and the cell phone conversation you are
having.
You don't notice the gas gauge.
All of a sudden, you engine cuts
out, removing the power assist on your
steering and brakes.
You flip on your emergency
flashers and maneuver frantically to the
side of the road, trying to avoid
getting in an accident as you pull
across three lanes of traffic to reach
the right shoulder.
When you finally come to a stop
you are shaken and
annoyed/angry/frustrated and faced with
limited options.
You can call the Auto Club, flag
down another motorist, or start walking
to the nearest call box or gas station.
You begin to see the consequences
stretched out in front of you but they
are mostly beyond your control you can't
predict how long you will be stuck, you
will certainly be late to the
appointment you were heading to, and
that in itself may have repercussions.
Because you did not notice the
gas gauge in time to respond, you are
forced to react.
If
you hope to avoid reactions in the
future, the first important step is to
recognize the difference between
reacting and responding.
If you are not aware of the
distinction, you will likely keep on
doing what you have always done and end
up the victim of your reactions.
What
causes you to react?
If
you are like most people you react if:
- You
miss some important cue in your
environment that is telling you to
pay attention, make a decision, and
take action
- You
are faced with a perceived threat
- By
the time you are moved to take
action in a given situation it's
already too late you have run out of
time to explore alternatives and
respond
- You
act automatically and unconsciously
out of habit or conditioning
- You
have been "stuffing" your
emotions for a long time and an
emotion you have been resisting pops
to the surface
- A
person or situation unconsciously
reminds you of something you have
yet to resolve in your own life
- You
have no reserves in your life (e.g.,
reserves of time, money, equipment,
supplies) and you "run
out" of something.
If you can't afford the
consequences of an event or
situation, the fear factor is likely
to trigger a reaction.
- You
are a "drama queen/king"
who creates situations that require
reactions because you crave the
adrenaline rush and energy you get
from chaos and emergencies.
What
happens when you react?
Here
are some things that tend to show up
when you react:
- Your
options are usually limited and you
end up having to choose between less
than optimal alternatives
- You
give away your power because you let
other people or situations affect
and drive you
- You
get caught up in intense and
draining emotions (e.g., fear,
panic, anger, defensiveness) and may
end up stressed out and exhausted
- You
act unconsciously - unaware of what
you are doing or the potential
consequences of your actions.
How
can you stop reacting and start
responding?
Here
are 10 things you might try:
- Notice
the five things that you react to
most (e.g., someone ignoring what
you say; someone interrupting you;
someone showing up late).
Then ask yourself why you are
reacting to these things.
- Observe
your thoughts, feelings, and
emotions when reacting to various
situations.
Get comfortable saying to
yourself, "That was an
interesting reaction.
Where did it come from?"
- Have
someone else watch you and your
reactions and share with you what
they see.
Most of us have blind spots
when it comes to observing our own
behavior, blocks, and inner
conflicts.
Let someone else help you to
recognize what triggers your
reactions and how you act once
triggered.
- Watch
for cues that something or someone
needs your attention and focus.
Be mindful of what is going
on around you, so that you can
respond while there is still time.
- Learn
to appreciate the
"neutral" nature of many
events.
Anais Nin said: We don’t
see things as they are.
We see them as we are,"
meaning that much of what we react
to is really our own interpretation
of reality as colored by our own
history, experiences, filters,
beliefs and assumptions.
When you realize that what
you are reacting to is usually
"all about you," then you
simultaneously come to know that you
have the power to change your
reactions.
- Decondition
yourself.
Take a look at your habitual
reactions to people and situations. Much of what you
do is a result of conditioning from
your upbringing, culture,
experiences, etc.
Ask whether your reactions
are serving you and if they are not,
recognize that as an adult you have
the power to re-choose your
underlying beliefs and assumptions.
- Learn
to sit with your emotions.
Often when we are faced with
people or situations that elicit
strong emotional reactions in us
(e.g., rage, grief, anguish) we
react as a means of releasing
tension or quickly getting out of
the situation.
Our reactive exit strategy
may be to "vent," escape,
blame someone else, or deny our part
in the situation.
Be willing to give up your
escape routes and stay with your
feelings so that you can take the
time to figure out how you really
want to respond.
- Learn
forgiveness.
If what you are reacting to
is another person, then learn and
practice the art of forgiveness.
When you learn to forgive,
you wrap up the unfinished business
of your past so that you can
experience the present free from
contamination by the past.
As you develop a
compassionate understanding for the
other person you can begin to let go
of your negative thoughts, feelings,
and reactions to them.
- Share
your reaction with someone else.
One way is to share it with
the person who is
"triggering" you.
Share what is happening with
lightness and curiosity, for example
by saying, "Did you know that
you..." or "I am not sure
how to respond when you..." or
"I tend to react (this way)
when you..." Involve them in
the process of helping you more
clearly understand the situation or
transcend or modify your reaction to
it. Another
possibility is to explain your
reaction to a trusted advisor and
ask for their perspective and input. An objective
viewpoint can often uncover
different interpretations of the
situation or obvious solutions that
could circumvent your need to react.
- Ask
yourself who you would have to be or
where you would have to "come
from" so that you never react
to a particular situation again.
When
you learn the tools to stop reacting and
start responding you can take back
control of how you feel and how your
act.
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